Sunday, October 6, 2013

I'm back

Here I am. Back. Back to the blog. Did you miss me? Forget me? Wonder where I'd gone to? I apologize for the absence. I'd like to take a minute to let you know where I was. 

Well, really, I wasn't anywhere. No trip, no grad adventure. I look at a couple posts before my last and I recall all of the things that were going on before I stopped posting and it all feels like such a long time ago because so much has happened since. Kenny and I were dating and it was my first summer in my new job was and it going pretty well. I remember I had a lot going on and one thing in particular was that I had agreed to teach swimming lessons for some friends. I was scheduling it around my work day. I went on my lunch break to go teach these lessons during my already longer summer days. Cute kids and awesome parents and a really good extra bit of money. I remember it because it was on my way to these swimming lessons that I had my first full fledged panic attack. There I was, in my car, and I seriously thought I was going to die; either from crashing my car because I felt out of control or because I thought I might be having some sort of heart issue. My chest was tight and I couldn't breathe and my mind was full of confusing thoughts about...who knows what?! Somehow I made it to the house for my lesson in one piece, composed myself and taught the lesson. 

From there came the next 3+ years, some of which is a blur, dealing on a daily basis with anxiety. There was a short bout of depression in there but mostly anxiety. When I say it was on a daily basis, it wasn't all day, everyday but everyday something. I wasn't ever truly incapacitated but effected daily. Sadly, things that should have been precious moments and memories, like shopping for a wedding dress, were riddled with a tight chest and distant thoughts. It wasn't what most people that I've talked to think anxiety is: something in particular makes you anxious like a phobia. No it was just anxiety in general. I felt (and still feel sometimes) like I was always on edge and then something (anything) added another straw to the back of the anxiety camel's and broke it. Just as easy as that I couldn't breathe or think straight and my heart would race. Sometimes for a very long time. And I say straw because it wasn't big things that were hard. Sometimes the smallest task was hard to accomplish ie brushing my teeth or sending an email.

Most things suffered: my relationships, my work, my spirituality and my physical health were all effected. Life happened along the way. Somethings helped it, others made it worse. I did do things to try to understand, deal with and make it better but I might have waited too long once I figured out what was going on. I guess I can't really say that because I've come to understand that I'd probably always been dealing with it but it had just worked too my benefit. In college I got so much done everyday because I could go all day on very little sleep. Same in high school. I always thought that I just didn't need a ton of sleep or that I was just really good at multi-tasking. Well, whatever the answer, it just got tired of not being taken care of and it made it very clear that it was time to take care of "anxiety." 

Long story short(ish), I'm dealing and coping and working my way back to a place that feels good. I'm at least in the right country, having traveled from a very foreign country, crossing an ocean in a row boat to get here. I feel supported in my efforts regardless of the success or failure of it and am glad to say I have more success than not. I do acknowledge that I have a ways to go but feel positive and ready.

So there you go. I promise not to turn this into an all anxiety, all the time blog but it is about where I am in life and this is a visible part of my life so take it or leave it. 

Thanks for reading. Glad to be back.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

A granddaughter trip to Rite-Aid

So after arriving in SLC we granddaughters went on a spur of the moment trip to Rite-Aide with the little g of G&g. We raided the candy isle. Dark chocolate Ghirardelli carmel bar... so yummy!

And I quote "I've got to have this."

Yes this is my grandfather... we are alike in so many ways.

My cousin Maryssa scolding me for taking her picture... don't worry, I'll my Ryss!

Progress! YES!

I feel pretty great about two things that I did today.

First is that I WORKED OUT! Go me! My legs are a bit sore now but is one of those good kinds of sore and I love it!

The second is that I wrote in my journal for the first time in about 3 years. I feel strongly about recording things that go on in life and was surprised at myself each time I fell off the wagon in these past years. I came to realize that wanting to record what is going on in life is a good sign and I hope this good feeling keeps me going.

Tomorrow I am off to Salt Lake City to see my family for a graduation and I am so excited A) to escape the 110 degree weather even if for 24 hours B) to see family and C) not to go to work (some guys swore at me before 9:30 AM today, twice. I already need a day off.)

Sunday, June 6, 2010

I was a great weekend to...

...get accepted to nursing school! KB got accepted to Chamberlain College of Nursing a week ago Friday and will be starting July 5th so we went out to dinner to CELEBRATE! YAY!

...turn one! The monkey is now a year old and I cannot believe it. He got all sorts of toys, books and clothes. I would have to say that he loves his new wagon... he just sat in it after his dad put it together and pulled him around in it. He is the cutest thing with all of the noises he makes; his mom calls them "boy noises." I love the mess he made with the cake. (sorry about the crappy picture) turn 8! Jade is my neighbor and she turned 8 this week and was baptized Saturday. I really need to be better about having my camera with me. I will have to get a picture from her mom of this because she looked so cute in her dress afterward. It's great to be 8!

Friday, June 4, 2010

Good night nurse.

Today the pool opened officially for the summer. I am EXHAUSTED! Everything went well but there is a list a mile long of things to do.

On a yummy note. I went to a wedding reception tonight and they had a pizookie bar! By far the best thing I've ever seen at a wedding reception, next to Panda Express catering the dinner. People, I'm taking notes!

I apologize if for the next 7 weeks all I talk about is the pool. It will be my life.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Sister Carroll

My friend Melissa left on her mission today. She will be serving the next 18 months in the Philippines and I know she's going to ROCK! I love you Missy! See you soon!

Saturday, May 29, 2010

And we're off!

Yay for a 4 day weekend! Ben, Lisa and Luke, here we come!